Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
