John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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