I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
