You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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