U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Are we still banned from the library?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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