my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
