this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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