Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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