There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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