i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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