I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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