he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
