If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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