Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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