Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
