I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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