this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
