Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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