yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
