I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
