Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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