my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
sarcasm needs its own font
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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