Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
