You just made me feel so damn special
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
