Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
