Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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