You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
