One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
he just fucked me for my cheese..
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
