I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
