I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
