i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
