He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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