Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think my nap took me to another dimension
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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