I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
