U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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