were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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