i just sent this text using only my big toe
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
