I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
