the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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