I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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