now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
