He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
