I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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