my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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