Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
