His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
