just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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