I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
