In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
