We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
