I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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