some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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