3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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