I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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