My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
