as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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