Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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