i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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