Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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