i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
