I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
