Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
